I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
