Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
