No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
