3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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