worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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