my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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