That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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