I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
