I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
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