no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
