Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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