I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
