I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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