I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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