my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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