you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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