I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
we're making bets on your personal life
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize