I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
My vagina just clenched in fear
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
