By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
