I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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