I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
