he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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