So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
