Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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