He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
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