You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
