this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
