My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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