At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
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