Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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