I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
