I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Randomize
