Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize