Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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