he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
