Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
sarcasm needs its own font
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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