He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
You ruined the universe
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
