Apparently you make a good broom.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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