Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
