ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
