my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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