i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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