It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
