he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
