And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
