dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
