if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize