Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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