My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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