I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
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