Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
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