They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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