I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
