i need an iv and a liver transplant
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
